Category Archives: how to get out

Envisioning Yourself

Dear friends,

We always talk about New Year’s resolutions and goals for the year and all that jazz but it’s really hard to set these goals if we don’t have a vision. When companies set goals, they usually have a vision and the goals are in line with the vision. When you can visualize the type of person you want to be, it is easier to motivate yourself to work towards your goals. 

When I first found out about the affair, my life was the pits. I felt so bad and embarrassed about myself. I was overweight. I was living with my in laws. I wasn’t exciting anymore. I’d lost myself in that marriage. 
So I started to build a vision for myself. My overall goal was to LGFG – look good feel good. I know looks aren’t everything but I wanted to feel good about myself again. And the one thing that was within my control was my weight. I wasn’t looking to be stick thin. I just wanted to be within a weight range where I could feel good about myself. So I started to eat healthy and exercised more often. Every time I felt tempted to stray from my diet or gave excuses to not go to the gym, the vision of my physical self would be at the forefront of my mind, reminding me not to give up. 

The vision that you build for yourself should not be limited to physical attributes. It should also extend to other parts of your life – you could envision where you would like to live or how you are going to build your career. It could be a far reaching fantasy right now – that’s ok – the best ideas come from the wildest dreams. And my mantra for you is to Never Say Never.

Here are some tips for you on how to envision yourself:

  • Physical attributes 

Envision how you would like to look like physically. If there are changes that you would like to make to your physical appearance, it’s easier if they are within your control to change – for example adjustments to eating habits to lose weight. Or getting a hair cut. Or getting a new wardrobe. For me, I wanted to lose ten pounds and made sure I always dressed well. So I envisioned a slimmer well dressed  version of myself and that vision was my constant motivation.

  • Where you would like to live 

Envision your ideal habitat. It could be a place. Or it could be the type of home you would like to have once you are out of the bad situation. For me, my vision was to move to New York City. I envisioned how life would be like once I’m in the city. My other vision right now is to lead an international life – I would like to live in London and Singapore for a few years and then retire in some remote village facing the Mediterranean Sea.

  • Your career 

Envision where you would like to be in your career in the next year and the next couple of years. Maybe it’s a career switch. 

  • Your lifestyle

Envision the sort of life you would like to lead. A quiet, peaceful life in a small town? Or maybe the excitement of a big city? 

Happy dreaming! And let those dreams guide you towards your goals! 

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Identify The Root Cause… And Fix It

  
We are fast approaching the new year and this is that time of the year again where we think about new year’s resolutions and start coming up with lofty ideas about goals that we would probably discard by the end of January. There is something about a new year that gives everyone hope for a fresh start. And that is so true. If you’ve had a bad year, now is the time to start looking on the positive side since a new year  means 12 months to straighten things out. 

I have a confession to make. I did have a good year this year. It was definitely a lot better than last year which was when I found out about my ex husband’s affair and my dreams as I knew it were shattered. Last year was all about truth discovery and being hurt. This year was all about moving on and rebuilding. But there were still some bad habits that I fell into this year.

I had to validate myself. And I validated myself with guys. The attention I was getting from guys made me feel good about myself. And this was because I always measured myself by my physical attributes. Hence if guys found me attractive, I felt good about myself. 

I got into an arrangement with a guy this year. He was a nice guy by all means and treated me well. But he made it clear from the start that he was not looking for a serious long term relationship. I knew I was not ready to be in a relationship either as I needed time to be alone to recover from my failed marriage. Nonetheless our arrangement lasted the whole year but towards the second half of the year, my old insecurities came back. He has a close relationship with a female friend who is younger than me and is attractive. I started feeling insecure about it and started to distance myself emotionally from him. I also felt him distancing himself from me – his texts became almost non existent.

About a month ago, he texted me on a Sunday morning when my daughter was not with me and I went over to his place. I felt relieved that he actually reached out to me. I felt validated again that he still wanted to see me. It is a stupid feeling and I know I have to stop feeling the need to be validated. This is the root cause to me being in bad relationships with people who don’t deserve me.

My new year’s resolution is to ‘fix my picker’. In order to do that, I need to truly love myself and build my boundaries. I need to have dealbreakers and not be afraid to enforce them. I hope I will be strong enough to resist that temptation and that need to be validated should he or any other person from my past or future reach out to me again.

If there is one new year’s resolution you should make, it would be to think through the root cause of your bad situation. A new year is a great opportunity to break free of bad familiar habits and get into new ones. It will be a difficult process especially initially. But once you get through it, I believe that it would be so worth it. 

The Why You Should Never Go Back List

When I was in the throes of the affair discovery, my then-husband was desperately trying to make it all go away. He seemed very anxious to just have me forget about the affair so that life could get back to normal. He actually tried to date me again. And it felt nice and familiar but at the same time strange and crazy that he was trying to act like nothing happened.

In the midst of my confusion, my good friend told me to create a ‘shit list’ – to list out all the bad qualities about him and whenever I felt confused or tempted to get back together with him, I should refer to the shit list to remind myself not to go back to him.

One of the reasons why we remain stuck in a bad situation or find ourselves in the same bad situation time and time again is because as humans, we are drawn to the familiar. The bad situation is familiar to us and we are reluctant to step out of our comfort zone to face the great big world of unknowns. So even if the bad situation is getting increasingly ridiculous, we find ourselves giving excuses to explain why it is ok to stay stuck. 

Creating a ‘Why You Should Never Go Back’ List gives you a tangible list of reasons of why you should never look back. The road to recovery is filled with many temptations to return to the warm, comforting world of the familiar, make all the bad memories go away and hope for the best. But we know the bad memories will not go away and hoping for the best is like leaving everything to chance. Hence having a list that you can refer to whenever the going gets tough will remind you why moving on and out of the bad situation is the best and right thing you can do for yourself. 

I wrote my list at the back of my notebook and probably listed like 50 reasons why I should never go back to my husband. 

And I never did. 

Your Long Term List

  
This is the fun part.

While your short term list is all about taking care of pressing needs, your long term list is about what you envision your future self to be. And the one skill that’s needed for your long term list is – daydreaming!

There are no limits and no right or wrong when it comes to daydreams. Some of the stuff may not even be fulfilled and it’s ok. Your long term list is mean to set a direction for you and give you hope!

I would divide your long term list into two distinct time frames – your immediate long term (6 months to a year) and your future long term (> 1 year out). The immediate long term list should contain things that are not as pressing as your short term list and that would take some time to fulfill. Some examples would be – fully paying off debt, losing weight, working hard to get a promotion etc. Your future long term list should contain tasks that would take a couple of years to fulfill e.g. saving for a house or earning that degree if you are just starting out.

There will be days when you will waver off your plan. You may have days when you cave into certain foods for instance and veer off your diet plan. You may go on an impulsive spending spree. It’s ok. The sun always rises and you have tomorrow to get back on track.

A good motivator whenever you feel tempted to veer of track is to envision your end goal. And this is where you can build your ‘healthy revenge’ in. 

One of my biggest goals after breaking up with my husband was to LGFG – look good, feel good.  I wanted to look so good that he regrets leaving me. Although that never happened (because a narcissist will never give anyone the benefit of seeing their regret), everytime I felt tempted to cave into junk food and every time I felt the hunger pangs, I reminded myself of my end goal. 

The other thing I wanted was for my ex to miss me so much that he’ll come begging for me to come back to him. Again, never happened (and even if it did, I’m wwaaayyy past going back to him ever again). I decided to go no contact on him because I’d read somewhere that going no contact on an ex is a good strategy to make them miss you and come back to you. And I had to go no contact for an extended period of time hence it was on my long term list. So every time I was tempted to text or call him, I envisioned the long term goal of him begging for me to come back and I stopped myself.

Your long term list should also contain things that might never be realized. And why is that ok? Because you’re daydreaming and brainstorming. And you always have to dream big. Only you control your own destiny. No one else can tell you what you can or cannot do. And no one’s gonna be looking at your list and judge you for not fulfilling it. A good thing about recovering from a bad situation is – it’s a chance for you to build another version of your life story. So own that life and build out that vision today. 

Your Short Term List

  
In my previous post, I talked about making a plan. In the next two posts, I will give you the tools to make your plan.

I like having a short term plan and a long term plan. A lot of times, random thoughts just fly at me. Some of these thoughts are short term stuff that I need to take care of immediately. Some are long term. But I like writing them down, in case I forget. 

Your short term list should contain things that need to be taken care of from in the immediate future (e.g. in the next three months). Here are some things you can think about when creating your short term list:

– Identify what is making you feel powerless

What is it that is making you feel trapped? Maybe it is your current living situation. Maybe it is because you don’t have a job. Why can’t you escape from this trap? Maybe you need your finances to be in order. Maybe you’ve tried looking for a job but can’t seem to find anything.

– What would you like to change?

Maybe you need to move out. Maybe you need to leave a marriage that is unhappy.

–  What is the one immediate thing you can do now to take that first step toward the change?

Maybe you need to look at a couple of rentals. Maybe you need to look at getting a short term gig to get some money and experience in lieu of a long term career goal. Maybe you need to do some research on divorce.

– What is the one pressing thing that definitely needs to be taken care of right now?

Maybe you need to look up new schools for your children if you are thinking of moving. Maybe you are in a dangerous situation and need to get yourself out of harm’s way right now.

– Once you’ve taken care of the immediate needs, think about some other stuff that might need to be done in order for you to comfortably settle in this change.

Maybe you need to get new furniture. Maybe you need to line up a new babysitter.

– Think about something you can do right now to make you feel good about yourself

This step is particularly important. Often when a bad situation occurs, our minds get so wrapped up in the grieving process that we get depressed. Doing one thing to make you feel good about yourself will give you a sense of optimism. Maybe it’s a new haircut. Maybe you want to get yourself something nice to wear. Maybe a nice dinner.

– Identify something about yourself that you can be proud of.

Taking a step back and reminding yourself of your achievements and the good stuff that you got going for yourself will also make you feel better. For me, it was my mental and emotional strength. Many years ago, I moved from Singapore to New York City by myself without knowing anyone in the entire country. And I thrived. So I knew that I had it in me to bounce back from this ordeal.No matter how his mistress accused me of being fat and ugly, I know that I am defined by more than just physical attributes. 

As you complete the ‘tasks’ on your short term lists, check them off. Seeing that list grow shorter will give you a sense of achievement – that in the midst of this chaos, you are still able to get things done for yourself. Also, revisit the list daily and make changes as needed. Because plans will change – including short term ones 🙂 

Take Back Your Power

  
When something catches you unawares, oftentimes you are totally unprepared for it. That lack of preparedness might leave you feeling powerless. And that powerless comes from not knowing what your options are to deal with the new situation at hand. 

You may panic. You may feel hopeless. You may despair. Before you sink any deeper into the black hole,you need to take back your power. 

Knowledge and having a plan are the first steps you take to empower yourself. 

You need to have knowledge of the facts and what your options are. Without knowing the facts, all you are doing is speculating and scaring yourself with the results of the speculation. It also leaves you vulnerable to others’threats. Even if you do not end up going with either option, knowing the consequences will help you make an informed decision.

When I first found out my husband had been having an affair, I was in a divorce lawyer’s office one week later, armed with whatever documents I could extract. Even if I didn’t end up divorcing him, I needed to know where I stood. And the best person who could tell me that is a divorce lawyer. 

Once you know what your options are, make a plan. 

I like planning ahead. For instance, I check the weather app on my phone every night so I’ll know how to dress myself and my daughter the next day. I go down to the detail – I look at the hourly forecast to figure out what the weather would be like when we leave our apartment and when we walk back in the evening – I even look at the wind speeds. I also check the weather a week and a half ahead for weekend activities and Google average temperatures months ahead for vacation destinations. I’m a little extreme I know. But it’s always good to have a plan.

Having a plan gives you a sense of direction. It also keeps you in check. I remember when I first found out about the affair and was in the throes of devastation, my colleague who’s been through a divorce gave me a very good piece of advice. She said to buy a whiteboard for the home and write down all the things you want to do to make yourself feel better and start the rebuilding process. She said it could be something as minor as buying a new suit to something major like getting an MBA. It could be long term, it could be short term. It could even be things that you would never get down to doing in the end – because plans change. 

It doesn’t matter because no one’s going to see your plan and judge you for it. Writing down your plan is therapeutic – for yourself. It reminds you that life still goes on besides this bad thing that happened to you. It gives you hope for the future. It helps you with your recovery. It tells you you’ve got this. 

My plan looked like this (in no particular order because remember it doesn’t have to be in order as you are only brainstorming):

1. Move out of in laws’ place

2. Order furniture

3. Register my daughter for daycare 

4. Do well at work 

5. Move to Manhattan

6. Get an MBA

7. Buy a place

Already I’m thinking I might scratch number 6 about the MBA and do something else instead because it doesn’t fit into my long term plans. (I also did not buy a whiteboard. I wrote my plan down on the back of a notebook.) But the point is – plans can change but having a plan helps you focus on your recovery and your future.

So go ahead and make that plan today. 

So You Got Into A Bad Situation…

  
So your whole world has just come crashing down on you? Life has just sucker punched you so hard it literally blew you away? You feel so down. The tears won’t stop flowing. You feel physical pain from the heartbreak. You can’t believe your ears and your eyes. You don’t want to believe in the truth.

Well I’m here to tell you – your pain is finite. The day will come when the tears will stop flowing, when the heartbreak will cease to be physical pain, when your appetite will return, when you will finally pick yourself up from the floor, go shower and return to your normal self again.

But till then, give yourself plenty of time to recover.

When you first find yourself in a bad situation..

1. Allow yourself to be shell shocked

This is the initial shock – the point when you first find out about something and you can’t believe what you’re seeing or hearing. You also catch yourself staring into space a lot – not being able to processs anything but asking a lot of questions. The truth will eventually present itself.

7 months before I found out about the affair, my then-husband had moved cross country ‘for work’. My daughter and I were supposed to join him at some point. We moved our furniture, clothes and her toys together with him. I also got my manager to transfer me to the other office. While he was away, my daughter and I lived with his parents. 

Two days before we were to fly out to join him, he told me not to come. Refused to give me a reason. Just said he needed to be alone.

I was shocked. I was totally blind sided. I didn’t see this coming at all. Just two nights before, he was reassuring me of his love for me… and now he wanted to be alone.

The next couple days were a blur. I don’t know how I even found the strength to go through the days.  I took long walks on my own to try and gather my thoughts. I sat on a park bench in the rain. Robbie Williams’ No Regrets was on repeat mode. I was trying to look for answers but he wasn’t answering his phone or returning texts.

Five days later, I found out that he had been having an affair with a co-worker for three years. And that it was still ongoing.

I was shocked. This was the last thing I had expected – I seriously trusted my ex husband way too much. But then suddenly everything started to make sense as well. All the pieces of the puzzle started to fit together.

Oftentimes we feel a sense of relief when we finally know the truth. It’s like we finally solved a mystery and we realize that we were not the crazy that the guilty party made us out to be. Sadly, the truth also often hurts.

2. Grieve

You need to give yourself time to grieve. Do not rush through the grief. Experts say there are five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It’s important to remember that these stages do not always take place in that sequence but there might be times when you will lapse back into a previous stage. These stages of grief are tools to help us identify what we are feeling. 

In the beginning, you might be scared to grieve because feeling the full force of what happened might be overwhelming. It’s going to be painful. You might even feel physical pain from the sadness. 

And why not? You were totally blindsided. You were unprepared for this. You might even be in a situation where this incident will be a total life changer. And change – especially when you’re unprepared, is mighty scary. But I’m here to tell you that once you calm down and make a plan, change will stop looking so scary and it might even turn out to be the best thing ever. 

3. Make A Plan

At some point, you will need to make a plan. Because life has to go on. There are still bills to pay and mouths to feed. Making a plan also helps you to gain some control over the situation. I recommend making a plan sooner rather than later. It helps with the recovery process.

Making a plan also helps you to organize your thoughts. Even if you feel totally powerless – like fate is working against you, a plan is the first step to your empowerment.

Take short breaks from your grieving process to gather your thoughts. Keep a level head, stay calm and ideas will come to you.

I like making lists. I remember having two lists – immediate short term to-dos and long term goals. Immediate short-term to-dos are high priority tasks that you have to take care of right now. They could include big things like moving out of your current place, finding a new school for your kids, paying your credit card bills that are coming due…or they could even include mundane things like remembering to buy carrots for dinner. Long term goals are more far fetched ideals like buying a house, earning that degree etc. 

Write down those lists. I use the Notes function on my IPhone. And then physically check off each task that you’ve completed.  Checking off each task gives you a sense of accomplishment and that is the first step in your empowerment – knowing you are capable of doing stuff even while you are grieving. I like deleting each task off my iPhone Notes as I complete it. Seeing the list shrink makes me feel good about myself.

Remember that these lists are not set in stone and can change whenever your plans change. After all, you first set up these lists when you were grieving and not exactly in the clearest frame of mind.

When I found out about the affair, my short term list included:

1. Moving out of his parents’ place

2. Signing a lease at the new apartment complex down the road from his parents’ place

3. Order furniture online 

4. Making sure I have enough money for security deposit, first month rent, immediate bills that are due

5. Getting a new bank account for myself

6. Meet with a divorce lawyer

7. Look for childcare for my daughter 

My long term goals were:

1. Move to New York City with my daughter (we were living in New Jersey and I was working in NYC)

2. Buy a place of my own

3. Save money 

4. Earn an MBA

4. Instant Gratification For Yourself

Ok here’s where I confess to having done something that was necessary at that time but that others may judge me on. Because I have rationalized my actions as necessary, I have no regrets.

When I first found out that my husband had been cheating on me, it wasn’t just my world that crashed – my self esteem took a huge hit too. I’ve always had issues with my appearance – I wasn’t the stereotypical petite Asian girl – I’ve always had curves and along with curves comes a body’s tendency to retain fat in order to maintain said curves. My ex fiancĂ© used to criticize my appearance and restrict my food intake. 

Part of the reason why I fell for my husband was because he never seemed to mind my body. However he stopped being keen on having sex with me about six months into the relationship. After having my daughter, I was slightly overweight and my husband just stopped having sex with me entirely, citing a low sex drive. So imagine how I felt when I found out he had been getting his needs taken care of by a woman who was a lot skinnier than I was.

I needed the validation from other men that I was still attractive. So I went ahead and slept with a stranger. Did I feel bad about it? Of course. But I view it as something that I needed to do get my issues out of my system and feel better about myself. I never thought of it as a long term solution.

You need to do whatever you need to do to feel better about yourself. It helps you get your issues out of your system and assures you that it wasn’t all about you and that you are going to be just fine. But bear in mind that it is not a long term solution. It may not be just a one time deal. In fact, I recommend giving yourself a time period for instant gratification to get whatever it is you need to get out of your system. I view it as a necessary part of the recovery process. But once that time period is up, you need to switch gears and start making long term plans.

5. Find Support

There are two camps of people when it comes to initial reactions to bad stuff. Those that believe you should keep your dirty laundry to yourself and those who believe that talking it over with someone will make you feel better. I belong to the second camp. Whatever it is, I believe in finding your support group that you can trust and rely on or help you get through your darkest days. Sometimes that support group may not even contain any of your closest friends. Often times, the people who have gone through similar situations can empathize a lot better and offer the best advice. Hence sometimes the best support may come via anonymous venues like online forums.

So hugs to you if you are currently in a bad situation. I feel your pain. I’ve been through it before. But trust me – you will get out of it – and you will become a stronger and better person because of it.