To My Non Relationship

I have so many things to say to you. But I’ll never have the courage to say them to you. For I fear rejection. I fear that you may not reply to my messages. I fear the one worded answers. I don’t want my feelings to get dismissed like they didn’t matter at all. So I’ll spill it here and tell it to the rest of the world. The rest of the world but you.

You see – I did develop feelings for you. Even though I promised myself that I wouldn’t. And I’m too strong to admit this weakness. But spending time with you for almost a year meant a lot to me. And I hope that it meant something to you too. I think it might have. But I think you’re just way more experienced at stopping yourself before you got carried away. 

And me? Even though I haven’t seen you in almost four months (yes I’m counting), because I’m trying to detach, you still pop up in my head everyday. Even though the memories are now fuzzy and less vivid, I still remember the special moments. And they still bring a smile.

But I fear that I’m starting to forget. I fear I’m starting to forget how you look like in person. Or that you won’t remember how I look like. And that someday we may pass each other on the streets like strangers – even though we shared hot and precious moments together. 

I’m starting to forget how your skin feels like. How your touches feel like on my skin. How your kisses taste like. How your nakedness looks like upclose. 

The memories of our evenings together … the way you kissed me so passionately … the naughty stuff… the way you would hold me after… until I fell asleep… those thoughts still electrify me. 

Those places… those moments… they’ll always have a special place in my heart. Fire Island at the end of summer… spending summer afternoons by the poolside… the Lower East Side…classical music…perfectly al dente pasta…

I don’t know when those memories will stop making me feel these pangs. I don’t know if this inner torment will ever stop.

Because the truth is – I miss you. I really do. But the sad part is – I can’t tell you.

Because I need to get over you. 

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