When you are on your healing journey, you will find a need to detoxify. You’ll feel like you need to detox in the physical aspect of your life as well as emotional. You’ll find the need to build boundaries with certain people in your life because they no longer fit with the new you.
This post is not about walking away from a romantic relationship. It’s about walking away from a so-called friendship. So I guess it might also apply to romantic relationships.
I’d been thinking hard about writing this post. Because I had promised a friend – or soon-to-be ex friend not to say anything. So I need to be careful.
As part of my recovery from being cheated on, I’ve been learning to build boundaries and listening to my gut instincts. This includes investing less in friends and people who do not care about investing as much or who do not seem to share the same values. In other words, disengage and detach from any relationship or friendship which is not reciprocal.
Recently I spent time with a close friend who I’ve known for more than a decade. She confided in me that she’s cheating on her husband with a married man.
I felt so betrayed. I feel a lot more strongly about this because I was on the other side – the side that got cheated on. But more than that I felt angry and disappointed at failing to see this person for who she really is. And I’m scared that once again I’m a bad judge of character.
I remember when I first met my friend I was really charmed by her. I thought she was this really cool girl. She always dresses well and looks good even though she is not conventionally pretty. And she always has a way of convincing everyone that whatever she uses is the best and her way is the best way. She was involved with a married man when I first met her but she made me see their relationship with rose colored lenses and convinced me that he was in a loveless marriage and that she was really the one for him. Needless to say, he never divorced his wife and she left him after about two years.
Slowly I began to peel back the layers of her personality. She has the all the trademarks of a textbook narcissist. In her eyes, I’m convinced she really thinks she is the best. She is excellent at setting boundaries in an almost selfish way. It’s like you always know your relationship with her will never be reciprocated and she will never go out of her way to make any effort for you. She will make a show out of making an effort but you know it’s a shallow attempt. But somehow you will still be so charmed that you will never want to displease this person.
It was interesting listening to her talk about the affair from the perspective of the Other Woman / Cheater. It’s the same old bs of how she hasn’t been happy in her marriage and how this other guy really gets her. But at the same time, she doesn’t want to divorce her husband because she needs him to continue supporting her financially.
I won’t tell on her to her husband. I pray that he will not be taken advantaged of by her and that her conscience will kick in and she’ll do the right thing. But in the meantime, I will detach and set my boundary with her.
Maybe it is great that I am finally beginning to see the real person that she is. Maybe it is a sign that my recovery process is working and that I really am starting to heal and love myself. Because I’m starting to respect and have confidence in my own values and am ready to walk away from others who don’t share my values or who will destroy my peace.
So friends – as you begin your healing process, it may be time for some housekeeping. Set your boundaries and walk away from people and situations which disrupt your peace. Detox and find your peace.