Happy But Scared

Dear friends, 

I had a very fulfilling long weekend. On Saturday, I took my daughter to her dance classes and swimming. On Sunday, my ex and I took her skiing for the first time. It was a pleasant day – the weather was great and my ex and I got on splendidly. My daughter also did well on her skis and enjoyed herself. On Monday, she had a play date with a classmate and we went to the Museum of Modern Art. It was my daughter’s first time at MoMA and I gave her my iPhone to snap pictures with. I’m amazed and impressed by my five year old’s picture taking skills.

It was a satisfying weekend for me as a mother and as a person because I also did one thing on my bucket list of single life goals this weekend – give myself another shot at skiing. I tried skiing a few times 9 years ago but never really got the hang of it because I hated going downhill at fast speeds, losing control and not knowing how to stop. I’d pretty much given up on skiing. However I want my daughter to learn to ski. Having a kid makes you step out of your comfort zone and I’ve made it a goal to try and overcome my fear and give skiing another chance. So I took a lesson this past weekend to properly learn the basics for once and did pretty well at the lesson. I’m still terrified of losing control and crashing into people but I hope I’ll soon get the hang of it. 

Now it’s almost bedtime for me and I’m wiped from our weekend activities. I’m not sure if it’s the exhaustion, the post long weekend blues or the time of the month – but I feel the familiar onset of despair setting in. 

At this point in my life right now, I’m at peace and happy. But I’m also scared. I have a list of things that I would like to achieve while I’m single, but I’m also afraid that I will never find true love and that I will descend into loneliness and depression. 

I’ve taken a break from dating and deleted all dating apps from my phone. I’ve been struggling with an inner conflict as to whether I should just go cold turkey and ‘revirginize’ while I find myself … or if I should continue having a friend with benefits. While having a guy on the side is good for validation, I don’t really want the emotional nonsense that comes from being physically intimate with someone for an extended period of time. As it is, I’m still getting over my most recent friend with benefits and I’m really looking for peace in my life. 

So my mind has been wandering and my fingers have been itching to download Tinder again, or give Match or eHarmony a try. But then I stop myself. Not yet… I tell myself, don’t fear the loneliness, don’t fear the occasional despair. Just like I am trying to give skiing a second chance, I should also give myself another chance at learning to be by myself and love myself. Overcome those fears and eventually, hopefully I will become a better person for it and someone good will come into my life.

So I will stay strong. Stay single. And just focus on myself. Focus on my daughter. And continue living a fabulous single life. 

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