Sometimes The Grief Comes Back

I have to be up in 3 hours but I’m suffering from insomnia tonight. Instead of sleeping, I’m reading through all the bullshit emails my ex had sent me in the past and forcing myself to feel the pain all over again. I’m surprised that my heart can still feel pain at the loss of my marriage and the betrayal even though it’s been a year and a half and I thought I’ve already moved onto my happy place. 

I read through those emails which I sent where I was looking for him and wondering where he was (his phone was always either off or he never answered his calls). And I read through those emails where I questioned if he really loved me (he always assured me that he did). And I read through those emails where I told him how much I really loved him and didn’t want to lose him. And I hear that desperation in my voice. And I feel that disappointment again in receiving curt replies from him to my long emotional emails. 

And now that I know the truth and can connect the dots, it hurts to realize that all this time, the person I loved never loved me back. And that grief…. the grief that I thought I was already done with, comes flooding back into my heart and my eyes. 

But instead of blocking my emotions, tonight I’m willing myself to feel it. I’m willing myself to feel the familiar pain. The pain is not as biting as it was when it first hit. And I know I’ll survive it. I just have to ride the waves. 

When we revisit the past, we plug the holes and we dig deep to find out the root cause of what caused us to go into a bad situation. Looking through old letters, emails and pictures etc. is a good lessons learnt process to help reinforce our red flags radar which would help protect ourselves in future. However it is not healthy to dwell in the past. 

In your recovery process, you will encounter triggers. Maybe something you watch on tv will trigger a memory. Maybe you’ll remember something when you walk by a familiar place. Maybe your thoughts during quiet moments will conjure up some painful memories. When the triggers happen, feel them and experience the pain again. Relive and examine them to figure out what went wrong.

And then move on. 

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